Some of you may know at home we have a glass bowl and in this bowl are lots of Bible quotes. We sometimes pick one out at random...sometimes when we're thoughtful or struggling...God seems to know just what to say when we really need it.
Today I was in my lounge room thinking and praying and in my meandering thoughts I was thinking about stages of grief and letting go in life. For me, in my twenties letting go of job aspirations and what I thought serving God looked like...stages of grief, letting go and accepting a different life, going where I didn't want to go.
For Elise, there will be stages of grief, some I'll share and others I can't even understand...a private world of sorrow. I put my hand into the bowl and plucked out a quote. How will God speak this time?
"Remain faithful even when facing death, and I will give you the crown of life. Rev 2:10"
Yes, it is death. Death of her hopes and dreams. Carving out a new life will be tough, filled with frequent hospital visits, endless blood tests, medications, daily exercises to reduce spasticity, being dressed, showered etc etc. So we will face this death together - God, my family and all others who care. God will build Elise a new house, a stronger one that will hold in any storm.
So what does grief look like - perhaps the loss of anonymity, the looks or the averted eyes... "Why is that girl in a wheelchair? Should I say anything? Just pretend everything is normal when it is not?" There is no escape, you don't "belong" in a wheelchair. Maybe it's that label...Disabled, not that, oh no, please not a disabled parking card, I am not disabled! Yes, that battle has been and gone. Or perhaps it's clothing... Jeans? Too tight, pockets at the back, no ... that won't work in a wheelchair, what about pressure sores. Perhaps we can look at loose clothing, maybe elastic waists. But not too loose, it will get caught in the wheels. Maybe it the loss of privacy, dignity, hair, the dream of being a normal girl going to school or just running down those stairs. Yes, there will be many, many stages.
I know that this sounds all poetic, even corny to some - but letting go is hard... and without God I think I might shut the world out. It is hard, I'm not going to pretend it's all easy and everything is fine. I know it will be OK, He is in control, but Paul was shipwrecked three times. No, it is not easy...there is much suffering and stages of grief to come.
I will wait for my crown of life.
Shannon
I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me. God bless. Love Paul and Heather xx
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your thoughts Shannon. Keep running the race with endurance. Hope to give you a hug in person soon. Jo.
ReplyDeleteShannon,grief will be a process at different stages for all of you, the fact you recognise this is really healthy, hard, very hard, but healthy. May God continue to guide and strengthen you all, physically, emotionally and spiritually each day. Love Bec Walker
ReplyDeleteSome heart wrenching thoughts articulated beautifully Shannon. You all continue to be in my prayers. lv Kim x
ReplyDeleteSuch difficult thoughts and emotions, articulated so beautifully Shannon. You're in our family prayers, and my private ones, daily. The loss of what was expected from the future is such an immensely difficult and painful thing...that feeling of the world pulled out from underneath. The trust that God's hand will catch us and sit us back up again (even if it's in a different place, or in a very different way), is sometimes the only thing to hang onto. lots of love xx Bek S xx
ReplyDelete